Like Jason's Facebook Page

Friday, July 18, 2014

5 Fully Fabricated Facts to Feed the Frenetic, Trivia-Famished Folks on the World Wide Web

Because all of us love lists that allow us to learn the latest ludicrous trivial bon-bons as we surf the truth-challenged waves of the global information sea, I thought it would be best if I offered up this list of fictional facts that in no way relate to the truth.  You'll be shocked at what you are about to read, and will wonder time and again: How is it I've never heard any of this before?  And I hope that once your incautious appetite for counterfeit trumpery has been satiated, you'll merrily and recklessly pass this along for consumption on the World Wide Web.

Hidden Messages lurking within...
5.  Hidden Messages in the Songs of The Beatles.  When you take the notes of any Beatles song and assign numerical values to them based on the Beaufort Scale then substitute letters from a backwards alphabet according to their numerical place value the resulting sentence reveals itself: The Beatles are better than the Rolling Stones.  The only exception to this is in the song I Am the Walrus.  The substitution cipher for Walrus reads quite differently, saying simply: Our fans scream like little girls.

The best tip for removing coffee stains.
4.  The Best Way to Remove Coffee Stains.  Coffee stains on table tops are most effectively removed by rolling the table with an ivory tusk.  Coffee is drawn to real ivory and will adhere to ivory indefinitely.  Since ivory tusks are no longer available you might be forced to use a synthetic tusk, which will work as long as the coffee stains are from a synthetic coffee.

Sleep?  Never!
3.  Children do not need sleep.  In a 2011 study conducted by Stanhope University's College of Psychology and Phrenology, children between the ages of six months and five years remained awake for seven straight months.  The only adverse side effects observed were mostly related to the amount of noise coming from each child.  Male children, while making far more noise than female children, showed less of an increase in noises made as their total number of sleepless days began to mount.  Female children, on the other hand, showed a marked increased in noise level as well as variety of noises created by the second and third month without sleep.  When asked how the researchers were able to keep the children awake, a spokesperson for the Department said they simply did not put the kids to bed.  The study was originally meant to last for twelve months but the researchers found the decibel levels of the sixty-five children intolerable and it was determined that the children should finally be put to bed.  No matter that the children had been awake for seven months, it still took the researchers three hours to settle the kids and get them to sleep.

Don Knotts: Too Violent for the The Godfather?
2.  The Godfather that Could Have Been.  We all know that Tom Selleck was originally offered the role of Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark.  But did you know that Francis Ford Coppola first offered the role of Vito Corleone to Don Knotts?  According to sources inside the production of Coppola's 1972 The Godfather, Don Knotts screen tested for the title role and had actually signed a contract before Coppola decided Knotts was too dark and violent.  Mario Puzo supposedly fought against this change, as he felt the frighteningly psychotic Knotts was just the way he had imagined the head of the Corleone family.  Coppola, according to some, refused to change his mind, even when Knotts stormed into his office and threatened to tear out Coppola's liver with his bare hands.  An assistant to the director once admitted that four body guards were required to pull Knotts off the Academy Award-winning director, though he has since tried to say the incident never occurred.

1.  Reading a Book is the Number One Activity of All Age Groups.  A recent poll, conducted by the National Endowment for the Arts, in which every citizen of the United States was asked "what is your favorite way to spend time?", has shown that a stunning 89 per cent of the country's population prefers to read books over any other activity.  This included eating (a mere 7 per cent), playing Candy Crush (a paltry 1.2 per cent) and watching "Dancing With the Stars" (which came in as the second most popular on the list at 11 per cent.)  The dramatic increase in book readers is being attributed to the complete conversion of television programming to reality shows such as Top Gear and Myth Busters as well as Hollywood's refusal to produce any more movies unless they are connected to Marvel Comics in some way.  Cultural watchdogs are calling this the single most important step for our society, suggesting we are no longer destined to descend into hell in a hand basket but rather we are ready to climb up yet again to the pinnacle of our hopes and dreams.  One former Librarian of Congress has suggested that the increase in readers is directly attributable to the rise in sales of Kindle eReaders, saying "once the awful smell of books was removed from the reading process, and the thrill of playing with an electronic device was added to the thrill of reading, it was an unfair fight.  Nothing was ever going to be, and nothing will ever be, more fun than snapping open an eReader and reading a book from cover to cover.  There's no way to compete with that sort of experience."

And now you know.  Now get out there and pass this along so everyone else will know what you know.

No comments:

Post a Comment