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Wednesday, March 12, 2014

How I Get In Trouble

I have a suspicion these are the guys in charge of
security down at my local banking institution.
A simple warning to anyone I do business with on the web:  Do not give me a chance to reply when you are acting the fool.  A local banking institution that I do business with keeps changing their security procedures, adding additional layers of passcodes (yes, that's right, a password is not enough for them, they have to call it a passcode), personal image (which, oddly enough, is not an image of the person) and now their latest idea is a pass phrase.  And each time they change this, they ask me to select multiple questions that I will then have to answer at random if I can remember the answer to the questions.  Questions like "Who was the first person to shake your hand while winking?" or "How much did you weigh on your first date?" and even "Which President do you think has done the most damage to the economy?"  (Don't use that last question, anyone would know that answer to that one!)  

Let's be serious.  I don't need that much protection to walk into their lobby and withdraw money.  If I did, it might go like this when I walked up to the window, handed them my ID, and asked to make a withdrawal:
     "Sir, I'll have to ask you to answer the following question: Who was the first girl that let you get to first base?  And if you need to withdraw more than $100, you'll have to answer the following question: who was the first girl that slapped you when you tried to steal extra bases?"  At this point, I would be sure never to ask for more than $500.  That would just be far too personal.

Now, when this fine institution sent this latest message to me, outlining the changes required to log in, which included my choosing one of three gestures to make towards the computer screen (again, too obvious), they left a reply button available on their internal mailbox.  And that, folks, is the real problem I run into.  

I ask again: please, please, don't give me these opportunities.  Otherwise, I end up sending replies like the one below.  And honestly, I don't mean to sound like a jerk.  I just cannot help myself when I see that reply button.  Someone, please, make the reply button go away.  Please!

Re: New Security Hoops Through Which to Jump

You people have got to get some sort of grasp on reality. Seriously, calm down. I've shifted most of my banking over to Ch***, a very large banking concern that is not nearly as goofy as your institution when it comes to online procedures. These constantly changing over-paranoid measures make you all look like amateurs. Take a deep breath and just chill out. And please, for the love of all that is sane, stop asking me to change my security questions, pictures, phrases, and gestures. Login and password. It is just fine for EVERYONE else online except your establishment. I promise you, you are not that special. The top criminal minds on the planet have not set out to defeat your security measures. Not any more than any other bank or credit union out there. 
So, have a great day!

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