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Friday, November 2, 2012

My 12 Suggestions for Disney's Star Wars

Disney's latest addition.
Let's face it, regardless of the fact that we complain about Disney's Disneyfication of everything they touch, we tend to go along for the ride because they make everything fun.  Well, who wouldn't be excited to hear that the makers of Fun have taken control of George Lucas' Star Wars?  Yeah, people are saying there was no need for the second trilogy (and yet everyone went to see it, which disproves the point) and yes, it would seem there is no need for more of the same.  However, why not?  James Bond keeps going, and doing well.  If Star Wars is, as many would argue, the best Sci-Fi franchise to come along, why not keep making them?  Great world-design is difficult for Science Fiction.  Most of them are just copy-cats of what is already out there.  Populating those worlds with great characters is even more difficult.  For the most part, SW got that part right.  So don't scoff, huff, and tell me you aren't interested in more movies about Luke, Han, Leia and all the rest.  Let's get in the spirit of things and get this party started!

Here's a few ideas for the Disney Hacks who will be in charge of this thing.

1.  I would suggest the director of this next trilogy should be Quentin Tarantino.  This would put the war back in Star Wars.
2.  Let's get Seth Grahame-Smith to write it.  You know him, the man who brought us Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.  Oh my, it is this kind of fresh blood that SW desperately needs.
3.  I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that we should use Industrial Light and Magic's technical magic to bring back Mark Hamil as Luke again.  I know, I know, he's still alive, but this way he wouldn't have to look like he is in his sixties, and Andy Serkis could do the motion-capture performance, which would allow Luke to actually have some ability to emote, and well, act.
4.  Leia could be played by Olivia Wilde, because, well yeah, that's why.  I'm not dumping Carrie Fisher.  We'll find a role for her.  SW ought to have Carrie.  She deserves to be a part of the fun.
5.  Han Solo could be Harrison Ford, since he's still playing Indiana Jones.  But let's give Ford a role something akin to Sir Alec Guinness' role in the first trilogy.  If the movie is set in the future, beyond the original trilogy, he could be an older, now angrier Jar-Jar Binks.  "You-sah gonna givems me-sah backa minah wifems or baaaadums thing-sah happens.   Bergabergabergaberga!"  (Hey, I don't even want to have the skills to mock Jar-Jar properly, so realize that any criticism of this will be gladly accepted!)
  So if Ford gets this juicy role, then Han Solo could be given to Jack Black.  That would be cool.  But you all know I'm just kidding, since Johnny Depp has already been secretly signed to be the next existential Han Solo.  (Trans-gender, as well, I'd guess.)
6. Disney will insist on a gay character, and we know the wise, sassy friend is their usual choice.  The best way to do this would be to simply out Chewbacca, and allow him to bellow and wail with a much hipper, snazzier tone.  This would allow some great chemistry and eye-brow raising interaction between him and the effeminate Depp/Solo.
Mickey Mouse's newest cousin.
7.   For kicks, I'd like to see how they are gonna get Boba Fett back into this, since he's the biggest star of the series now.  I think the opening scene could be something like the opening scene from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers where we saw Gandalf fall through the abyss with the Balrog.  Only in this SW7, we would watch Boba Fett fall down the sarlacc's throat and see him plummet for about five minutes as he battles his way through it's digestive system.  I mean, really, even as a kid I never believed Boba Fett would die such a simple, accidental punk's death.  Did anyone else?
8.  Yoda's ghost will have to play a big part in this series.  He was a puppet in the first one, CGI in the second one, and I think Verne Troyer could play him this time around.  This would allow for a more comical, naughtier Yoda, with lots of scatological humor for Disney fans of all ages.
9.  I've just had a brilliant idea.  Disney could use this movie to point out how horrible and wasteful and Republican it is to wage war, and this would ensure an Oscar win for them.  Hollywood would swoon!
10.  Quentin Tarantino has just been axed due to a better idea.  Michael Bay should take the helm.  He would be uniquely qualified to take Lucas' fun, cute robots and turn them into intricate, complex, impossible to follow mechanically ridiculous robots that simply break everything around them, adding even more explosions and damage to the galaxy.  A merger between LucasArts and Hasbro will soon be announced.
11.  Seriously, there are just too many options.  I'm thinking of a reboot, with Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus.  Maybe let Guy Ritchie direct.  For the reboot, we could set it in the Jane Austen era, and make Obi-Wan a woman warrior.  Steam-punk the whole thing.  I'm getting shivers just thinking about it.
12.  If you don't see the humor in this, then I'll take a serious turn.  There is already a set of books that are perfect for a new trilogy, written by Timothy Zahn back in the early '90s.  It is a solid story line, with all the major characters.  They are considered the best books written in the SW book universe.  I say use them as a basis for the the next trilogy.  Please.
Zahn's Heir to the Empire
  A special Happy Birthday goes out to Simon, my son, who is now fifteen.  Here's hoping that by the time you're my age, you'll have been able to see twenty more Disney-made Star Wars movies.  Oh think of the possibilities!

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