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Friday, August 24, 2012

Five Good Reasons to buy the James Bond Stinger Missile Unit for Your Car

The James Bond Stinger Missile Unit is available at all fully licensed Missile Warehouse Outlets.
The makers of the JBSMU remind all buyers that any use of the JBSMU must comply with local, State, and Federal laws governing the use of weapons on public roads.  In no cases will we assume responsibility for those individuals who are incarcerated for the illegal use of any product sold by our vendors.
  All moral and ethical questions regarding the use of our products should be directed to your local spiritual advisor and/or parent/guardian.  Should you become a victim of an attack of conscience or should your patience return, refunds will not be allowed.

The James Bond Stinger Missile Unit is completely
undetectable, as seen in the image above.
(Car and driver not included in JDSMU package.)
Purchase your James Bond Stinger Missile Unit and take advantage of these benefits today!
  1.  For those trains that insist on blocking a crossing before coming to a stop.  Who cares if laws passed one hundred and forty years ago gave the railroads the right to block traffic for thirty minutes.  They are no longer the sole mover of goods in the nation.  Get. Out. Of. The. Way.  (The heavy duty Iron-Horse Warhead is an ordnance option and surprisingly wallet-friendly.)
  2.  For the individual that insists on installing those blue lights in place of the traditional yellow headlights.  Night driving is already hard enough on those drivers who do not have the eyes of an eighteen-year-old.  Fortunately, the Blue-Seeker Guidance System is included in the JB Stinger Missile package.
  3.  For Motorcycles that zip between the lanes when everyone else is stuck in place.  (This requires the QuickDraw Mini Round which must be preloaded before entering traffic jam conditions.  An optional motion-detector triggering device is still in the experimental stage.)
  4.  For those brainless individuals who insist on driving all the way to the far end of an empty lane after the other conscientious drivers have merged in anticipation of a lane closing due to construction.  Such line-jumpers require no specialized ordnance, guidance systems or triggering devices since these bone-heads can be seen coming a mile away and there is a clear lane of fire as they pass dozens of cars in their quest to outsmart everyone else on the road.  (We urge restraint, recognizing that while there is usually ample time to fire a second missile for the sheer satisfaction of a double-tap to the trunk, this is unnecessary and a waste of ordnance.)
  5.  For those thoughtless individuals who drive pickup trucks, whose lights are already elevated and shining straight into a driver's eyes because said pickup truck is only six inches from said driver's back bumper.  (This requires the Rear-Fire option only available with the Premier JB Stinger Missile Unit.)

  For the bored yet irritated driver who is tired of driving in one lane, passing miles of orange and white barrels that block a lane for no reason whatsoever, we do not suggest using the JB Stinger, since it would take a prohibitive number of missiles to effectively clear the roadway of the offending plastic barrels.  We do suggest, however, that you check into another great weapon we offer-- the Rainman Repeating Minigun, which pedantically fires three thousand two hundred and sixty-five rounds a minute.  That's three thousand...definitely three thousand two hundred and sixty-five...sixty-five a minute.  The Rainman Repeater has been known to clear five consecutive miles of useless construction barrels before jamming or requiring a reload.

Hurry and order your JBSMU today before the product is pulled from shelves due to the angry protests of a small minority of law-abiding citizens who object to the sales of such practical, logical car accessories!

(The above post in no way endorses violence on the roadway.  Instead, it is intended to remind readers that they are not alone when they think dark, angry thoughts while surrounded by what constitutes the bulk of the driving hive that infests our highways today.)

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