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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Eighteen Reasons the Number Eighteen is Significant

    Today is a great day in history.  On this day, eighteen years ago, the most beautiful little girl was born into this world.  That's right, I said eighteen years ago.  Today, Kathryn, my only daughter, has a most blessed birthday.  As we celebrate this day, here are eighteen reasons the number eighteen is so significant.

1.  My Daughter is Eligible to Vote
     Having spent the better part of eighteen years instructing my daughter in the ways of conservatism, I now add another vote to my point of view.
2.  There are Eighteen levels of Hell in the Chinese Mythos.
     These include such fun-house activities as the Mountain of Knives and the Chamber of Tongue Ripping.  In other words, welcome to the bureaucracy known as adulthood.
3.  Eighteen is the atomic number of Argon.
     Argon is derived from the greek word meaning "lazy" and "inactive".  Argon gas is used as an asphyxiant for the mass killing of chickens.
4.  The Hebrew word for "Life" has the numerical value of eighteen.
     It is a Hebrew custom to give gifts to eighteen-year-olds in multiples of eighteen to express long life.  Congratulations, my dear.  I am depositing eighteen dollars in your savings account!
5.  Eighteen is the Age of Majority.
     You can now vote alone, and with a total of one vote, you can be a majority.  You will no longer outvote yourself when deciding what to do with your personal time.
6.  Eighteen is the legal drinking age in England.
     You can now join a pub full of Brits and get "sloshed".  You can, but you may not.
7.  The eighteenth letter in the alphebet is "R".
     Not only is that the first letter in your last name, it is the sixth letter in your first name.  More importantly, it is a word used by pirates.  And r is the third letter in pirates.  Multiply the ordinal position of the letter "R" in those words and the product is eighteeen.
8.  Eighteen is Peyton Manning's jersey number.
     Just as Peytom Manning is worshipped by fans around the globe, you too can now be considered one of the most dynamic quarterbacks in modern day football.
9.  The eighteenth amendment to the U.S. Constitution prohibited the manufacture, sale, and transportation of intoxicating liquors.
     Despite reaching the age of majority, this is one of the few restrictions still placed on you.  So for the next three years, no manufacturing alcohol!
10.  The eighteenth sonnet of William Shakespeare begins with the line "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"
      This sonnet is the most famous and generally loved of his one hundred and fifty-four sonnets.
11.  The Eighteenth Century saw the Age of Enlightenment.
     This important stage in the intellectual progress of man culminated in the French and American Revolutions.  Keep this in mind as you broaden your mind.  It may in fact bring about the guillotine.
12.  The Eighteenth Dynasty of Egypt is the best known of all thirty-one Ancient Egyptian Dynasties.
     Amenhotep, Thutmose, and the boy-king Tutankhamun reigned during this period.  Without this important dynasty, Howard Carter might have lived to a much older age.
13.  The eighteenth President of the United States was Ulysses S. Grant.
     This controversial President was known for heavy drinking and political scandal.  Despite his notoriously bloody record in combat, his campaign slogan was "Let us have peace."  He not only worked to bestow amnesty on confederate soldiers, but he also made an effort to help African Americans and Native American Indians.  Most importantly, he presides over the fifty dollar bill!
14.  Eighteen Calories
     This is the number of calories in one cup of summer squash.  I would have to avoid this, and instead eat just eighteen calories of ice cream.  There are one hundred calories in a half a cup of ice cream, so I need to devide 100 by 18, which is 5.555.  So I can eat a little over one fifth of a half a cup of ice cream.  That is kind of ridiculous.  It is a good thing you like squash!
15.  Eighteen sides to an octadecagon.
     I really can't think of a time you would need an octadecagon.  Maybe if you...nope, still can't think of a use for it.  It would be fairly useless.  Perhaps if you wanted to build, forget it.
16.  Jame Bond 18: Tommorrow Never Dies
     This eighteenth installment of the James Bond series stars Pierce Brosnan, and more importanly, the always tough Michelle Yeoh, a Chinese agent who just might be better than Bond.  Use this as inspiration to rememeber that you can be the best at whatever you do until a Chinese chick comes along and beats you at your own game.
17.  Eighteenth Nancy Drew Mystery:  The Mystery of the Moss Covered Mansion.
     This great mystery seems to center around a truckload of exploding oranges.  How cool is that?  That could only get better if it were exploding summer squashes.
18.  Eighteen Years:  The number of years I have been proud to be Kathryn's father.
     Growing up in a house full of brothers, she has managed to carve out her own space in this family.  Always full of creativity and adorability, she has keep me full of curiosity as to what wonders she will do next.  I look forward to the next eighteen years as she begins to take her own steps out into this great, big world.

    Kathryn, keep your heart turned towards God and always remember we are here for you when you need us.  Happy Birthday, darling.  May your eighteenth year be as exciting and significant as the reasons above.  And maybe even a whole lot more!

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