Seven Reasons I Know My Wife Loves Me

Like many husbands, I'm not always sure what my wife was thinking when she bought my Christmas presents.  I can always say that I'm sure she was thinking something, but what that something was is not always clear.  But I can say with absolute surety that my wife was thinking of me and knew what would be the perfect gift for my odd little mind last Christmas.  Here is the proof.

     The Lefton Company produced China, ceramics, glass and other collectibles for sixty years until finally closing shop in 2001.  The set I have is from their Roadside USA Collection, The Great American Diners Series.  I have all but one of the diners produced for that set.  My wife Jennifer was searching through a thrift store in town and came upon seven of these wonders.  A worker at the store explained that an elderly couple brought them in and it was quite obvious the wife was forcing the husband to give up his collection.  Jennifer was able to buy the set for next to nothing.  When she explained this to me as I opened my present last Christmas morning, I was nearly brought to tears.  Not at the great price she had picked them up for, nor at the diners themselves, though they certainly could produce a few tears of joy if I let them.  I was terribly saddened to think of that man who had been forced into giving up his collection.  To you sir, wherever you are, I tip my hat and offer my deepest condolences.  Know that they have gone to a home where they are greatly cherished.
     The pieces were designed by artist David Stravitz.

1.  The Commuter

This little diner looks cozy.  Not only is it open 24 hours a day but it also has booth service!

The perfect place to take your lovely sweetheart for a late night snack.  And be sure to sit on the same side of the table!

2. The Tip Top Diner

This stunning roadside attraction is in better than tip-top shape.  You can clearly see it is twenty minutes to seven, so the eggs should be popping like firecrackers and the pancakes already stacked high.

There is parking in the rear and some lucky girl will get the chance to work at this awesome joint because it clearly states a waitress is wanted!

3. The White Tower





White Tower Hamburgers were a semi-successful knockoff of White Castle.  Originating in Wisconsin in 1926, they spread into surrounding states and at one time there were as many as 230 White Towers.  There is still one open in Toledo, Ohio. 

The greatest thing about this place is the 5 cent hamburgers.  I think the tax I pay on hamburgers is higher than five cents now.  I have always loved White Castle from my days back in Illinois.  I don't remember White Towers, but since I can't have a White Castle in my collection, I think this is a great substitute.  I rather think the Art Deco look here is actually better looking than the White Castle, though I'm sure my father-in-law would disagree.  Sorry about that, Jim.

4. The Modern Diner

Nothing gets the customers attention more than the assertion that your diner is modern!

I want to sit in the nose cone section.  Those windows are too cool!

5.  The Empire Diner

The Empire Diner was built at West 22nd Street and 10th Avenue in 1946.  It recently closed in 2010.  This fantastic gem has an Empire State Building added to its roof during a refurbish in 1976, which was included on this reproduction but which was broken off before it came to me!

Known for surly service and high prices, it was frequented by the Arts crowd, including many actors and directors.

Read more about the Empire Diner.

6. The Patriot Diner

The Patriot Diner is rather solid looking, like all patriot should be.  Mine is missing a star burst over the top sign, but it is not surprising.  Many patriots have been wounded throughout our history.

This baby is a real triple threat!  Not only is it open 24 hours a day, not only is the food good, but she's air conditioned!  Oh, man!  For those hot, sultry nights when you need a place to go at 2 in the morning but you won't just eat at any place that slings average hash.

7. The Market Diner

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was absolutely certain that this diner was in California.  It just had that L.A. look over New York City.  However, the Market Diner was in NYC.  There were, in fact, eight of them operating at one time.

I suppose it was the pastel colors that led me to think of it on the West Coast, as well as the name.  This doesn't exactly sound like the place to pick up a Pastrami on Rye.

Can't you see this sitting on one of the hills over looking the City of Angels?  Well, anyway, the good news is that even though they were baking on the premises, it was air-conditioned, so it wasn't too hot in there.  And what luck!  The hoi polloi could really step it up and have their affairs catered by these guys!

Pretty convincing proof, don't you think?  Any wife who bestows this upon her husband has got to love him to no end.  (I don't have the best view of that woman who made her husband give them up!  That poor, poor man.)  Thanks, darling.  And just to let you know, there is one more out there.  The Star Light Diner. :)

     And of course, if you need an idea for next Christmas, feel free to look up Lefton's other Roadside USA collection, the Spectacular Vernaculars collection.  That mind-blowing Airplane Cafe would be a swell place to start!

     For those of you who don't know, I spent a great deal of my childhood traveling the roads of this great nation.  My wife well knew that I would love these because I have a deep nostalgic love for anything that I would have seen from the van windows as we drove across the country in the mid-seventies and into the eighties.  Many of these great diners were still around then as were the countless old motels with their fabulous art deco, modern, and googie architecture.  I have begun to bring much of this into my home now.  I can't seem to get enough of it.



Four Reasons We Should Return To The Moon

                    One of my earliest vacation memories involves my family’s legendary trip to California in 1977.  My intrepid father loaded the five of us into a Chevy van, tied a twenty-three foot WorldWide travel trailer to the end of it, and drove us across the continent of North America, hitting every cool tourist trap along the way.  The pinnacle of our trip was of course Disneyland.  I still remember it fondly and can still see all of its wonderfully magical rides in my head.  If I ever get to longing for my lost youth, you can be sure that’s where I’m longing to return: Disneyland, in the summer of 1977.

                    That trip was over 34 years ago.  I never returned, but I did recreate it with my own children at a slightly larger and more fantastical Disney World a few years back.  I hope my kids will cherish it in the same way I cherish that earlier, magical time.

                    It is hard for me to believe that an even longer period of time has elapsed since Mankind’s magical trip to the moon.  This December will mark the 39^th anniversary of our last trip to that great hunk of cheese in the night sky.  Eugene Cernan was the last man to walk on the moon in 1972.  The general consensus seems to be that we simply lost interest in these trips.  It was expensive, dangerous, and no one really cared anymore.  There was no reason to return.

                    I disagree.

                    Here are four good reasons to go back.

1.  Litter Reclamation

            During our six manned trips to the moon, as well as the nearly one dozen Lunar unmanned missions by the Soviets, all of which occurred in the 60’s and 70’s, we managed to leave over 180 tons of junk.  It is no coincidence that this happened during the great age of pollution, as witnessed by Iron Eyes Cody in the famous Keep America Beautiful campaign.  Perhaps there should have been a follow-up commercial with Cody standing on the moon—Keep Luna Beautiful.

            It seems the moon is cluttered with not only multiple descent stages of the Apollo programs as well as the many crashed Lunar Orbiters and Land Rovers, but also unseemly objects such as urine and feces bags from NASA astronauts who obediently jettisoned such items in the name of weight conservation.  Being a part of the new, enlightened society we live in, we are all well aware that such desecration is inexcusable.  I’m sure there would be plenty of college students willing to spend a Spring Break weekend on a Lunar Cleanup Project.  And this should be done quickly, if only to spare us the embarrassment of extra-terrestrials visiting our moon and discovering our blatant disregard for public hygiene.

            Altruistic reasons aside, I’m sure the EBay value of the items left behind would be astronomical.  (Pun intended—I’m not this clever accidentally, you know.)  Consider the chance to bid on Alan Shepard’s golf balls.  He reportedly drove a golf ball a half a mile, though I’ve heard similar claims by golfers that always sound a bit fishy, so who’s to say he was telling the truth?  At any rate, golf ball collectors have been known to spend over fifteen thousand dollars for the little dimpled darlings.  The bids for those two balls would be out-of-this-world.

            Basically, the moon has been left in disarray and it is about time we stepped up and cleaned up the mess we so thoughtlessly made.

2.  Priceless Moon Videos on YouTube

            Forget cute cat videos.  Dangerous stunts by idiotic teenagers?  Boring.  Covers songs by overweight young men living in their parent’s house who are just beginning to learn the guitar?  Please!  None of these would be as e-mailable or Facebook-postable as low-gravity Moon antics.  I say, put cute cats on the moon and watch them bounce around like slow-motion bouncy-balls.  Allow idiotic teenagers to attempt skateboarding tricks in .17 gravity.  I guarantee that I would forward this kind of thing to my family and friends.  Of course, I doubt that a skate-boarder’s pants would sag significantly enough in low gravity to irritate me to the point that I would be happy that said idiot launched himself into deep space attempting an Ollie grab off a lunar half pipe.  But I’d still send it on into the e-mail and Facebook cosmos if only to generate didactic conversations from parents everywhere about kid safety and childhood anecdotes.  Parent Toppers could toss out stories of child disfigurement with greater and greater magnitude until their attention flipped to a cute picture of a toddler wearing a Chicago Cubs shirt.

            After we’ve had our fun, we could watch videos of the devastation left from meteor impacts, or somber, silent film of the Sea of Tranquility littered with the destructive rubbish foisted upon its pristine wilderness by evil government agencies.  I tear up just thinking about it.  I think I see a public service segment and PowerPoint presentation coming with these stark images accompanied by a Sarah McLachlan dirge.  If only the moon had indigenous peoples!  Their plight would be unforgettable.

            To date, due to the scratchy, blurred videos available from those early moon landings, we lack any decent HD clips of this poignant landscape.  A return trip to the lunar surface would do well to fill this tragic vacuum.  (Get it?  You see, the atmosphere of the moon is so thin it is almost…never mind.)

3.  GoogleMoon?

            It’s going to happen eventually.  Why not use it to finance the trip back?  Naming Rights are a popular way to advertise nowadays; just think of the bidding war that would ensue over the chance for companies to stick their logo on the moon.  I would be in favor of Facebook doing this, since you could color the moon in Facebook blue with that little f stuck in the middle of it.  This could only happen once in a blue moon.

            The commercialization of the moon would certainly arouse critics and cynics but since when has that ever stopped someone from making a buck or two?  The United Nations might need to intervene in order to prevent Facebook from actually painting the surface of the moon in their trademark color or etching the surface with their f logo, but I’m sure something could be worked out.  (Incidentally, I find it arrogant that Facebook has appropriated the color of Superman’s tights.  That just seems wrong to me.  I know Zuckerberg is powerful, but Superman he ain’t.)

            Pizza companies might get into that bidding war.  (Cue Dean Martin!...think about it...)  I could think of any number of commercial logos that would be more appropriately stenciled into the moon over NASA’s own logo.  More than likely this would end up becoming a Disney development with a Mickey Mouse Space Resort.  Though we might all cringe at the idea, we would undoubtedly take our families there regardless of the cost.  I’m pretty sure the most horrifying branding of the moon would be one by Wal-Mart.  Sure, it might mean more jobs for humanity, but they wouldn’t pay very well and none of them would be full-time.

4.   Reclaim NASA’s pride

Artwork by Robert McCall

            When I was a little astronaut wannabe, and back then every boy dreamed of walking on the moon, NASA was an awe-inspiring agency.  These guys were the rock-stars of science.  They blew us away with moon-walks, Skylab, and (the first few times) the Space Shuttle.  We all eagerly drank Tang, imagined running around a giant vertical hamster track, and wished with all our might to be chosen as the first man to reach Mars.  (I was actually more interested in getting a seat on the flight to Venus.  After all, Zsa Zsa Gabor was waiting, you know.)  But the point is, Space was cool as all get out!

            Enter the NASA of the late Eighties and beyond.  Repeated Space Shuttle flights that went nowhere, performing unnamed and unwanted tests of every kind.  The shuttle didn’t even look exciting; more like a loaf of Wonder bread with wings.  Not cool.  Even worse, the next great idea was a telescope.  A big camera with a telephoto lens, really.  A chance to take pictures of stars, which look like white dots on a black canvas to our eyes, and looks like pretty much the same thing from the Hubble’s perspective.  Heck, we don’t need to go to Mars, we can peer closely at it!  Oh, please, it’s my turn to look!  Next up was the Pathfinder Mission, in which we threw a spacecraft at Mars, allowing it to bounce its way to the surface.  It all looked pretty sophisticated until the whole plan was nearly ruined by our own airbags blocking the ramp and preventing the rover from driving off on its little mission.  So we took pictures of Mars.  Wow.  Isn’t that what Hubble did?

            We are told that all of this testing is important to the safety of any would-be explorers.  It is as if we are trying to make exploring Space devoid of any danger.  I suppose that’s comforting to the wives or husbands of future astronauts, but seriously, let’s get a little tough and take a few risks now and then.  Columbus did not sail out one hundred miles into the Atlantic then return to analyze his data for twenty years.

            Perhaps a return to the moon would remind us of just what we can accomplish and how much more we could do with a little courage and willingness to step out of our comfort zones.  Our safety obsession seems irresistible but we cannot allow it to hinder mankind’s reach for the stars.  Otherwise, we might as well shut it all down and use the money to create ever more exciting science fiction movies.  New virtual worlds are better than no new worlds at all.

            I don’t think I’m asking too much here.  Our fathers and grandfathers sent men to the moon with technology that could barely produce adequate coffee machines, with computer programs that could hardly do more than play chess.  The leap in technology since 1972 has been unprecedented.  Don’t tell me we can’t get back to the moon at a fraction of the cost and effort required in that distant year.  What we seem to lack the most now is will and imagination.  We need to tap back into an old resource once widely available in this country: The Pioneer Spirit.  A great way to jump-start this would be a trip back to the moon. 

Destination Moon Image via

Skate Board Image courtesy of Carlos Porto

space photos courtesy of:

Six Reasons our Kids are Growing Up in a Stupid World

I'd like to be able to tell my kids that the world they are hurtling towards is full of unlimited opportunities; that the world will be a better place than it ever was before.

Sure.  And I think they'd try to believe me.

But there are six reasons why they won't and why I just couldn't say it with a straight face.

1. Scoreless Soccer Games

You know what I'm talking about here.  What simple-minded parent came up with this idea?  I'm guessing it was the parent of the weeble-shaped child who couldn't kick a ball to save his weeble-shaped life.  Now, I am not here to attack children whose silhouettes look suspiciously like extra-large eggs.  I was never very good at soccer either.  In fact, I wasn't good at any sport.  However, having been a member of a winless t-ball team, I can say with authority that there is nothing wrong with participating in sports and losing.  Being on that winless team (The Reds, Reed City, Mich, T-Ball league, 1978), I learned valuable lessons that prepared me for adulthood; namely, it prepared me to be a fan of the Chicago Cubs.  To this day I still swell with pride whenever I see highlights on SportsCenter of the latest Cub's loss.  That's not a joke.  I spent a great deal of time and money to drag my family from Louisiana up to Chicago last year in order to realize a lifelong dream and watch the Cubs lose at Wrigley Field.  I've never had that much fun at a ballgame before.  I was in heaven.  And the Cubs had 11 chances with men in scoring position in five extra innings to win.  And the Cubs lost.  And I was happy anyway.

2.  Bicycle Helmets

Okay, that first one took a shot at children's self-esteem.  This one pulls the trigger on one of the biggest buzzwords of modern day: safety.  Sure, we could talk about safety statistics all day long.  But in the end, the real point is that thousands of children are riding around on bicycles looking and (more importantly) feeling like a kid with a Roomba on his head.  I don't care if the helmet has a cool flame decal on it.  What self-respecting child wants to ride a bike with a safety--anything on his body?  Again, I have experience in this, as does anyone who once rode a bicycle.  Yes, I went over the handlebars downhill on a gravel road and tried to stop myself with the palms of my hands.  Yes I tried to do a wheelie and flipped a bike backwards and hit my head on the sidewalk while the bike landed on top of me.  But I guarantee you I did not look like an idiot doing these things.

3.  Public School Uniforms

This is going to get me in trouble with my wife, who likes the convenience of not having to argue with the kids about what they will wear to school.  But for my money, I'd have to say that telling a child he must wear dress pants and a collared-shirt to school is simply cruel.  Kids wear jeans and t-shirts.  Later, as teenagers, they like to add a little style of their own choosing.  But wait, kids don't understand.  They don't realize how they are being traumatized by living in a world where some kids come from rich families and some come from poor families.  Uniforms will save them from this social stratification.  Well, I haven't found a person who actually believes this.  Thank God they're still allowed to wear tennis shoes.

4.  Sliced Apples instead of French Fries

If I wanted my kids to eat the right foods, I wouldn't take them to McDonald's.  That's pretty simple, don't you think?  But if I wanted them to enjoy a fun meal out on the road, I'd get them a burger and fries.  Unless, of course, they'd rather have a burger and apples.  I knew a kid like that once; I never liked playing with him.  I'm sure that somewhere he is now a forty-year-old healthy man who still fits into the size 32s he wore in high school and even still has all of his hair .  Big deal.  If he had to forgo the joy of eating thousands of french fries throughout those forty years then his life hasn't begun to reach the heights of euphoria that mine has.  I almost feel sorry for the little healthy twerp. 

5.  Excessive Celebration Bans

This one could have been lumped in with number one, but I feel justified in giving this ridiculous idea a place all its own.  Isn't that only fair?  And after all, isn't fairness what sports is all about?  Just consider, only a generation ago, kids were free to happily celebrate scoring a touchdown against a hated rival.  They were allowed to crow with pride when striking out an arch-rival's best slugger.  I have had to explain this sort of barbaric behavior to my children while watching replays from classic sporting events.  It was nearly as hard to explain as the bikini shorts worn by Larry Bird and Magic Johnson in the '84 and '85 NBA Finals.  But here's the thing: yes, it might make an opponent feel bad that you scored, but it might also make a young athlete redouble his efforts to stop you from scoring again.  Tom Jackson of the Denver Broncos told John Elway immediately following their Super Bowl XXI loss to remember that feeling and to not let it happen again.  Elway suffered an even more humiliating loss in Super Bowl XXIV.  Eight years later, however, he finally managed to win Super Bowls XXXII and XXXIII.  Additionally, this kind of ban just seems to take the joy out of competition.  Let the kids play, let them enjoy their success, and let them rue their failures.  It won't kill them.

6.  Educational Toys

Yeah, I want my kids to be a lot smarter than the average kid, but I just can't see what the big push is to replace good-old-fashioned playtime with learning time.  Let the boys play with army men all they want.  By the time they're young teens they'll be reading any history books they can find on World War II.  And they'll also learn their geography the same way.  Let a kid get the Skateboard action figure instead of a planetgreen weather station with his kids meal, especially if he's already been forced to munch on apples instead of French Fries.  For sheer imagination-building, I'd say a slinky is far more educational than a toy recycling truck.  The very fact that online toy stores have page headings like alternative energy and environmental science should be a warning to us all.  Okay, I have to admit the potato clock looks pretty darned cool.  But that's as green as I'll go.  Maybe the better way to go would be to let G I Joe make a potato bomb!  Of course, then we'd have to label him a terrorist and he'd never get his name off the no-fly list.

When you put it all together, I have this terrible feeling that the world is getting safer, kinder, healthier, and fairer.  What makes it so terrible is that there is nothing safer, kinder, healthier, or fairer about the world today despite these zealous efforts to make it so.  The one thing that can be said for sure is that kids are not allowed to be kids any more.  Which might be okay if we really could wipe out class distinctions or hurt feelings.  Any one of the items on this list can be seen in a positive light.  But the disturbing thing to me is how all of them put together form a mosaic of dull and unrealized childhood.  We are already beginning to see that this is leading to dull and unrealized adulthoods.  Instead of protecting hurt feelings for children, we have raised adults who live in constant reaction to hurt feelings.  This is leading to a belief that such helplessness can only be fixed through nanny-government intervention.

The only thing that saves me from despair is the knowledge that my children are greater than the sum of the stupid rules imposed on their world.  I have no doubt they will rise above the foolishness that surrounds them and they will indeed chase after those limitless opportunities as they make this world a better place than it has ever been.

Soccer Image by PaulGooddy

Helmet Image by Photostock
School Sign Image by anankkml
Fries Image by artemisphoto